He's Not Gone {an essay about dementia}

If you've ever met my Grandfather, it's likely you walked away with a smile on your face and slightly winded from one of his famous bear hugs. This man, with booming voice, strong arms, and a kind heart always seems to leave an impression wherever he goes. As a young child in a small town, I often felt like I was the Granddaughter of some sort of legend or celebrity. Many times people I came across would recognize our shared last name and stop to recount a story of how he had touched their lives.

My Grandfather, this hero of mine, is suffering from dementia. Often he is lost and I know he doesn't recognize me during most of our encounters.

Mostly our family is able to handle this devastating disease in a lighthearted way. He makes that easy on us. Even when he doesn't know who you are, he treats you with affection and an open heart, offering a hug and a hearty laugh, just as he always has. It's who he is to the very core and I am thankful.

But, other times that thought that he is gone hits me hard and deep. The real him. I'm afraid I won't know him in the same way again, expect in tiny fragments on the good days. In those moments I feel a sadness that is not unlike mourning his actual death. I recognize the inability to express my love to someone who can't even remember it and I wish I would have known how quickly his mind was going to change. I'm so grateful for the closeness we shared and for the cherished stack of cards and letters from him that I will always keep.

It helps to realize that although a part of him will never be the same, maybe he's not really gone. I like to think that in his mind he is reliving the best parts of his life. The timeline may be jumbled, but it's there in all of its glory. Maybe when he sits there in his easy chair he is really back in his childhood, lost in the world of dusty summers on the farm. Or maybe he is the young pastor again with three little children and his whole life ahead of him.

When I feel sad I try to remember how richly he has lived his life, how many people he has touched, and I know he's not really gone. Behind this tragedy is the story of the tenacity of the family he has built and the faith we all cling to. His character, his kindness, his faith and legacy are living on for us, and even for him, despite the layers of confusion. Those are the things that will live on long after he really is gone. Those are the things I will always keep.

A River Moving.

When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving within you, a joy.

RUMI 

Things have been quiet around here lately. Sometimes my insides get a little out of sync with my outsides and I find myself with a disconnect. On the days when there are too many tasks, too much motion, the ever urgent requests, my soul is a little hidden and I find it hard to be creative, hard to share in this space. Every time this happens I learn a lot about myself, about living life well. Am I really too busy to connect with myself or is it simply a matter of priorities? Either way, things always get back on track and I find a way to find the quiet, to remember how to live and create from my soul.

There is much to catch you up on, such as our pending house sale and another big move coming up (perhaps this is the reason behind my wandering mind?!), but that is for another day...

We've been spending our days outdoors, and eating ice cream as much as we can. There's nothing like the golden green of the Pacific Northwest in the late spring and early summer! There are so many pockets and paths to explore, I don't think we'll ever run out.

Take care xo

Thirty.

It's hard to put into words exactly what I'm feeling as I turn 30 today....Grateful for the blessings, thankful for the growth in hard times, humbled, and most of all, loved. I can't wait to spend another decade learning, refining, loving, making, dreaming, deepening, and living every minute of this beautiful life.

I think we spend a lot of time in our 20's figuring ourselves out and maybe even trying to prove something to the world. I'm feeling most of that fade away and I just want to focus on who I love, what I love, and becoming a better version of myself. I'm incredibly humbled by what I've been given and long to just be worthy of all of the blessings in my life, and to be a blessing to someone else.

Thank you for sharing this day with me! So grateful for you.

Relearning Relaxation

Happy Friday!  This morning I finished a project I've been working on for quite some time.  My whole body is sighing in relief.  

There is always more to be done, but not right this moment.  For now we have fresh flowers in the house, bright sun and a cool breeze.  We even made time for a sweet little picnic in the park with some new friends today.  I'm making a conscious effort to re-capture the art of living in the moment this weekend.  

Will you do the same?

Photo Credit: Samantha Lamb

Three cheers for Motherhood

There's just something about your Mom. Maybe it's the way she listens, laughs, always answers your calls, gives you advice.  Maybe it's just the fact that she's yours.

Becoming a Mother was an unexpected, whirlwind of an event for me.  I had no idea how much it would change me (for the better).  I honestly thought it would be something I added to my existing life and we would carry on.  One true thing:  I appreciate my own Mom more than I ever have before.

She was really great at making our ordinary experiences something special.  We never lacked for things to do at home.  The snapshots I hold in my mind are of my Mom, in her bikini, tan, working outside in her garden. Or of her baking in the kitchen.  She loves rock and roll, she drives a corvette, and she's always been there for me, even when I haven't deserved it.

I love hearing other people's experiences either with their Moms or as Moms themselves.  It always brings me back to the central themes of motherhood.  That's one of the reasons that I just purchased this for my Mom and I for Mother's Day.  I would love to hear what you love about your Mom as well!

I had been searching for the perfect gift, but had no luck.  I saw this e-book featured by Susan on Freshly Picked and Liz on Say Yes to Hoboken (both have an essay featured in the book).  The book is a collection of 16 essays about Mothers written by 16 leading bloggers.  How perfect is that?  If you've waited too long to buy a gift (like me) this could be perfect for you.  Also, only $4.99!

 Go here to buy your copy.

 *Photos of my girls taken in 2010 by Photography by Meg

I wish you all the best on your Mother's Day weekend!

Twenty Seven.

Source: thisnicelife.blogspot.com via Randi on Pinterest

This is what I woke up to on my birthday. 

Well, actually it was more like a 3 year old 2 inches from my face saying, "I have to go potty." And no balloons.

BUT, I wouldn't trade it for the world.  Any of it.  I am blessed in so many ways.

I hope your weekend is the very best!

Don't forget to enter the birthday giveaway.  See you Monday!

Weekend Recap

We had a lovely, sun drenched weekend over here!  I hope it was warm wherever you are.

I think it was the sunshine that prompted my Mom (Nana) to decide to reveal a special Easter present a tad early:

She took us to the store and Ellie picked out a bike.  We discovered her three year old head is the size of a five year old (of course!).  We almost took an elderly lady out riding out of the store, but she made some progress on the whole pedaling concept by the end of the day.

I still remember my own Dad teaching me how to ride, it seems crazy that we are teaching ours.  It's obvious now that we are not parents of a baby anymore, but of a  kid.  Weird.

We were also able to escape for a little date.  We had Thai food and then spent a lot of time in Barnes and Noble reading about France.  We are getting more and more excited about our big move.  He chose books about where to go and what to do.  I chose ones about other Americans and how they adjusted to living there. I looked up the price of said books on Amazon while sitting there...much, much cheaper.  Terrible, right?

My birthday is this week (keep your eyes peeled for a giveaway!), and my hubby gave me an early present:

He really is the best!

Hope

While visiting family this weekend, I had the chance to snap a couple pictures of my mother-in-laws garden.

Some brave flowers have poked through, despite the days still being cold.

A sign. A the promise of good things to come.

A reminder to hang in there,

the end of one thing is the beginning of another.

"Behold, I am making all things new."  Revelation 21:5

Wisdom

I'm driving home from Seattle this morning, but I thought I would leave you with a little bit of wisdom:

Source: etsy.com via Randi on Pinterest

I love this print by Laurel Smith, owner of the etsy shop Laurel Denise.  I love her simple photo styling and I think the print would look quite nice on my bedroom dresser. 

Find the print here.

Today...

She is having a tea party, sorting buttons and dreaming big dreams.  The littlest is sleeping and the sun is coming through our window.  I am busy finishing up some business cards, but was distracted by the colorful scene on top of the toy box.

See you Monday, okay?  Have a safe and happy weekend :)

Don't pinch me

Happy St. Paddy's Day!

Why don't we

Enjoy our food like kids do?

Two things:

We're off to Seattle this morning, but I thought I would share a sneak peek of the party I've been working on...

Also, Andie from Beautiful Ordinary Day sent me the sweetest message and a link to a stunning baby shower she held for a friend.  She was inspired by the Picnic Party, but I think she took it to the next level entirely!  I love how clean and crisp everything looks with all of the natural light in the room, it makes the colors really pop.

I adore the "create your own onesie" idea, the chalkboards and the letters of baby Lucy's name stitched in embroidery hoops.  So many perfect little details!  See more of Andie's party here.  Thank you so much for sharing!

Have a great weekend!

Paris Update

Source: dustjacketattic.blogspot.com via Randi on Pinterest

We have officially booked our flights to Paris!  November 2nd is the big day, which gives us almost two weeks to settle in before classes start.  Even though details are slowly working themselves out, things are still very surreal. 

We've been shuffling through some furnished apartments available online through rental agencies and there's one mystery we can't figure out....what is the deal with RED?!  As we scroll through photos of potential homes we always end up coming to something red.  It could be anything from throw pillows to entire bathrooms tiled in red!  It seems to be the color of choice.  It's also funny to see how many of the apartments contain the same wall art from Ikea.

Besides location, our main requirements are a washer and dryer (the dryer is not a staple in Paris), internet, stove (no hot plates!), an actual door to the bedroom and a shower.  It seems ridiculous that some of those things would not be available, but there are no standard features.  Bathtub and shower are often either or.  I'm still unsure about committing to something we haven't seen in person, so we may be picking one when we get there.

Have you ever spent time abroad?  I'd love to hear your story!

Fresh perspective

Maybe it was the sunshine, but this weekend I felt myself stepping in to a new realm of thinking.  A new way of seeing myself and my life.

I was standing in my kitchen on Sunday evening feeling extremely overwhelmed.  Thanks to the great creative projects in process and new opportunities, my house looked like a war zone.  Small piles of clothes outside the laundry room, stacks of dishes.

Immediately my mind went to a familiar place of cutting myself down for failing to achieve the "perfect family" status every one covets.  You know the-kids look/act perfect, house is always tidy, no laundry piles, no cracker crumbs in the car family we all know (or think we know).  For the most part I have let go of this picture of myself.  Or so I think.  I must admit sometimes this picture I have causes me to be unbalanced or to be not-so-nice when I am feeling overwhelmed.

As I was standing there on Sunday, feeling like a failure, I made a decision to let it go (again).  I reminded myself (again) that just like everything in life, what things look like are of the least importance, and so it is with a family too.

There's a lot to be said about responsibility, but in this moment I decided to laugh at myself instead of scolding.  I chose to remember that it's the attitude of a family-the spirit of a family that matters.  What are we going to do when we feel overwhelmed?  How are we going to face failure?  How would I want my daughters to respond to hard things in their lives?

So, I cranked up some music, the kids danced and I made dinner amongst the stacks of dishes.  We laughed about our mess and set about doing what we could about it.  I realized that tomorrow is a new day.  It's always a new day.  Perfection is a lie.

Simple Pleasure

I'm not sure how it happened, but over the weekend I fell in love with baby's breath.  I've never cared for it, but those tiny white flowers were calling to me at the store.  Add some tulips for a simple centerpiece. 

So glad we got to share our table with friends this weekend.  It's always better that way, isn't it?

Monday, monday

Ever get the feeling your toddler is dressed better than you at any given moment?  It's a frizzy hair-rumpled outfit-kinda Monday for me, but at least she's stylin!

Sweater: Target
Flower pin: here
Cuteness: made from scratch

Spotted:

Source: etsy.com via Randi on Pinterest

::I love photography with a vintage feel.  Honeytree  (seen above) is perfect.

Source: greenweddingshoes.com via Randi on Pinterest

::I am SO in love with this canopy made of parasols and lights, and the sign is gorgeous!  See the rest of the wedding here.

Source: thesweetestoccasion.com via Randi on Pinterest

::Make your own table numbers and flags out of clay!  Spotted here on the Sweetest Occasion.

Have a glorious weekend!